The Most Urgent 911 Call Ever

Hahahahahahahahaha! She say she are the manager!

More love crap

So according to this article, there are "... three phases of love, which include lust, attraction and attachment. Lust is a hormone-driven phase where we experience desire. Blood flow to the pleasure center of the brain happens during the attraction phase, when we feel an overwhelming fixation with our partner. This behavior fades during the attachment phase, when the body develops a tolerance to the pleasure stimulants. Endorphins and hormones vasopressin and oxytocin also flood the body at this point creating an overall sense of well-being and security that is conducive to a lasting relationship."

Hmmm...

Whoever made this should be shot

So I was looking around for some good ideas for dates and things to do around Provo when I realized something - the people who make these lists are complete imbeciles. I mean these people are so out of touch it's not even funny! (Even though it is...) These are the sorts of people who enjoy staring at blank walls in their apartments. Now, if we establish that as some sort of baseline for fun, then I suppose everything these people suggest is fun, if only marginally. For example, compared to staring at a blank wall, collecting canned food does sound like fun.

A few of the more ridiculous items I've run across include, but are not limited to:

-Reading Trip - Go to a bookstore, each pick an interesting book and read them to each other.
Ok, this could be fun if there were some element of danger involved. If one were to attempt to remove the books from the store and read them outside without paying for them, it would still not be interesting enough. This date idea can only be remedied by the addition of a potato gun. Load said gun with a book you hate and fire it in the bookstore. There, now it's fun! (Even better if you fire it AT an employee)

Fun level - 3.5 flaming chilies

-Kid Olympics - Put on an Olympics for little kids.
Completely ridiculous. This has pedophile written all over it. And how does this work? Do you round up all the neighborhood kids (In this case Helaman Halls?) and tell them to run races? I tried to do that all summer long and let me tell you, children do not like structured competition. You will have the kids that lost crying all over the place. Not fun. This could be fun if you gave them all paintbrushes and some 'oops' paint from Home Depot and told them to go paint their garage doors. Whoever paints the biggest dinosaur wins!

Fun level - Dino-mite!

-Clowns - Dress up like clowns and be in a parade.
This one makes me want to swear. How insulting is it when they think we'll buy this idea? Nothing more need be said.

Fun level - .1

-No Talking - Go on a date where neither of you can communicate verbally (this might not be too hard in some situations).
They are no longer content with merely insulting our intelligence with ridiculous suggestions. They are now literally trying to destroy relationships.

Fun level - Poor

-Kidnapping - Dress up like a robber and “kidnap” your date. Rush in with a group of friends stealing him or her away to some fun activity.
I've seen this one done before, and believe me, the girl always completely flips. It can take hours to calm her down. Wounds may result. But... it would be way fun if you rushed into the girl's room and fired a potato gun! Heck, we'll just leave the date at that.

Fun level - Matt, don't try this one

-Bow and Arrow - Go into the woods and get flexible sticks. Get bailing twine or some kind of strong small rope and make bows. Then have target practice with them.
Nothing says "I'm really cheap" like gathering sticks in the woods. Although I must admit, I remember doing this on family camping trips. I also remember it taking about 10 minutes before it got old. It would be fun if you actually killed something... Or started making out.

Fun level - 2 flaming lips

-Work Out - Do your muscles a favor and get some blood pumping through them.
If there is a date that says "I am a douche bag" it is this one.

Fun level - 45 Kg

-Poetry Reading - These can be a lot of fun, especially if you have a poem you can go up and read.
Hahahahahahaha!

Fun level - 1.5 split sides

-Meet the Grandparents - Double with your grandparents for dinner and play some fun date games with them.
Holy crap, I know who has been writing this list the whole time now! Grandparents should be introduced only AFTER you are married.

Fun level - ERROR

-Visit A Rest home - Visit some of the elderly at a nearby rest home it's a great way to hear some great stories.
Again, I'm fairly certain I know who wrote this entire list...

Fun level - N/A

-Dollar Date - Go on a date where you can’t spend more than a dollar. The possibilities are endless!
Keep in mind this list was written circa 1930. You could buy a house for a dollar. (Ok, I'm being a bit facetious. More like a car...) This could only be a fun date if you suddenly realized that it wasn't a one dollar bill but a $100 bill! And then you STILL only spent one dollar!

Fun level - $1.00

-Donate Blood - Donate blood at a local blood bank.
While we're at it, why don't we put down "Enlist with Selective Services"? This does not constitute a date.

Fun level - Approximately 1 pint

-Ring Shopping - Pretend like you are getting married and go shop for rings.
What the crap?

Fun level - What the crap?

-Bird Watching - Get a book at the library and then go bird watching.
No. Unless it's part of a picnic or something else. But even then... no.

Fun level - Self-inflicted head wound

-Drawing/Painting - Paint or draw a portrait of each other.
All I can think of is Napoleon Dynamite...

Fun level - 1 shaded upper-lip

-Historic Cemetery - Visit the cemetery in downtown Salt Lake where a number of prominent LDS leaders are buried.
Weird. I'd do this, but not for a date...

Fun level - Porter Rockwell. Or maybe J. Golden Kimball.

-Garage Sale/Ebay Date - Go garage sale hopping and try to find the best deals then sell them on Ebay. Use the money you make on your next date.
This one is hilarious, because you might end up losing money and out on a second date.

Fun level - POSITIVE: Fast payment A+++++++++!!!!!!

I will never have to do this

I think this woman is actually a man. Either way, I'm glad I will never have to do this. Unfortunately our female readers can't say the same.



...we do have female readers, right?

Ye Winter Booty

With winter fast approaching, people are wearing different stuff. Gone are the lazy naked days of summer. It's time to bundle up or freeze to death. In the spirit of that bundling, many girls have opted for that most nefarious article of shaggy footwear, the Ugg boot. As it's name indicates, Ugg is the sound that upstanding citizens see immediately after seeing the boot and immediately before throwing up in complete revulstion that someone actually thought it was a good idea to put their leg in that thing. Incidentally, Ugg is also the name of the first cave-dwelling woman to fashion such a shoe. You see, girls have been at this shaggy boot thing for a very long time. In ice ages past large tribes of feral women roamed the frozen tundra in search of woolly mammoths they could slay and turn into boots. Now, imagine for a moment the shocking scene of packs of modern day girls sprinting after cuddly mammoths intent on beating them to death with their oversize purses. I will admit that watching a bunch of fashion-conscious Amazons run down wild beasts sounds pretty entertaining (especially if they do so in high heels) but think of the mammoths! The innocent and cuddly creatures deserve better than to be butchered to appease the wardrobes of wanton women! Girls will defend their heinous crimes by saying that Ugg boots keep their feet warm while they walk through the snow. I can think of a lot of better ways, like fire. Just put a little propane on your shoes and light them up. Or walk on your hands. Or use a rickshaw. There are a lot of options that don't involve the killing of mammoths and inducing nausea on people who see your shoes.

I propose that we place a ban on boots made of mammoths killed by poaching girls. Only mammoths that died of natural causes (like tar pits or meteors) should be used to make shoes. Next time you see a girl with Ugg boots on, politely inquire as to the source of the furry hides, and if she's unable to verify that they were fabricated from naturally preserved mammoth corpses, you have my permission to use propane, rickshaws, meteors, etc. to destroy her boots and teach her a valuable lesson. Take the moral high ground. Save the mammoth.