11/05/2008 06:21:00 PM

Ye Winter Booty

With winter fast approaching, people are wearing different stuff. Gone are the lazy naked days of summer. It's time to bundle up or freeze to death. In the spirit of that bundling, many girls have opted for that most nefarious article of shaggy footwear, the Ugg boot. As it's name indicates, Ugg is the sound that upstanding citizens see immediately after seeing the boot and immediately before throwing up in complete revulstion that someone actually thought it was a good idea to put their leg in that thing. Incidentally, Ugg is also the name of the first cave-dwelling woman to fashion such a shoe. You see, girls have been at this shaggy boot thing for a very long time. In ice ages past large tribes of feral women roamed the frozen tundra in search of woolly mammoths they could slay and turn into boots. Now, imagine for a moment the shocking scene of packs of modern day girls sprinting after cuddly mammoths intent on beating them to death with their oversize purses. I will admit that watching a bunch of fashion-conscious Amazons run down wild beasts sounds pretty entertaining (especially if they do so in high heels) but think of the mammoths! The innocent and cuddly creatures deserve better than to be butchered to appease the wardrobes of wanton women! Girls will defend their heinous crimes by saying that Ugg boots keep their feet warm while they walk through the snow. I can think of a lot of better ways, like fire. Just put a little propane on your shoes and light them up. Or walk on your hands. Or use a rickshaw. There are a lot of options that don't involve the killing of mammoths and inducing nausea on people who see your shoes.

I propose that we place a ban on boots made of mammoths killed by poaching girls. Only mammoths that died of natural causes (like tar pits or meteors) should be used to make shoes. Next time you see a girl with Ugg boots on, politely inquire as to the source of the furry hides, and if she's unable to verify that they were fabricated from naturally preserved mammoth corpses, you have my permission to use propane, rickshaws, meteors, etc. to destroy her boots and teach her a valuable lesson. Take the moral high ground. Save the mammoth.


Jordan said...

ah, yes! what a pleasure it is to see such a rant of magniloquent flatulence. may all our future bombastic abecedaria be of such high turgidity and orotundity! huzzah! let our fustian harangues sally forth!

Jeff said...


Jacquie said...

Matt this is one of the funniest things that I have read, o wait, I have read other things that you have written, but this really made me laugh. I can't wait to see you guys again.